"A Love/Hate Relationship"

                       My mother and I have a crazy relationship.  I would call it a love/hate relationship. At one minute I am the person she love to death. And then the next minute she wants to kill me. I love my mother to death. But sometimes it really hard to be around her. I know that my mom had a hard life growing up. The year after I was born my grandmother passed away. And about a year or two my great-grandmother passed away. My great-grandmother was the person who took care of my mother and her two brothers. My mom said that she was very hard on her. In 1994 my mother lost one of her brother. She took it really hard cause they were so close. A couple of months after that she lost her baby brother. My mom felt so only cause her family was gone. My mom was raising three kids on her own. My father was in our lives for a while. My father and my mother were together for about 16 years, off and on. My father wasn't very good to my mother. He cheated, he lied, and he but his hands on her. In many ways I hated my father, but I love him cause he was my father. Over the years my mom has manged to raise three kids and built a successful business. I have a lot of respect for my mother.
                      In December 2010 my mother found out that she had bone cancer. It was a surprise to every one in the family. It was a really hard time for my mother. Even though I was scared to death, I stay by her side. I went to almost every doctors appointment and kemo treatment. It was hard cause she was angry. And sometimes she took her anger out on me. And I took a lot of the lashing out. But in December 2011 she was cancer free. I was so happy, It was like a weight was lift off my chest.
                      I knew that no matter what I did I would always be the black sheep of the family. I have always been the one that she treated different. I remember when I was in high school my mom had decide to send my sister to boarding school in Hawaii. She told my sister that she doesn't want her to stay here and end up like me. Cause I was going to end up pregnant, and stuck in this town for the rest of my life. Well I didn't get pregnant in high school. I had my little girl when I was 21. I have always felt like I wasn't worth anything. I have been so put down by her that I start to believe that I was nothing. That I wasn't smart enough or never going in where in life.
                    In 2009 I had a friend that I was really close to. I told this girl everything. I let her into my family. We were always together. One day she told me that one of the guys was calling my mom a drunk. She is my mother and I don't want any one says thing like that about her. So I told my mom what she had told me. Two weeks later my mom wasn't even talking to me. She had her friend tell me that she didn't want to talk to me. I was so confused. I had no clue what was happening. So then her friend and the HR stay me down and told me that the girl I thought was my friend said that I was trying to get people fired. That I made up the whole thing. I couldn't believe what they were saying. So that night at the softball game the girl was there. So I went up to her, and guess what this bitch did? She hided behide my mother. And my mother sat there and protected this girl. My mother sat there and called me a lier and a bitch. She said that she didn't want anything to do with me. And that she wanted her car back, knowing that I need the car to get to work. And knowing that I have a baby. I just couldn't believe that she believed  this girl that she known for about a year or two, over her own daughter. When I tried to talk to my sister, she told me it was my fault. Then when I talk to my woobie(Boyfriend) he said he didn't want to get in the middle. The only person that would talk to me was my dad. No one wanted nothing to do with me cause they didn't want to make my mother mad. So at that point I felt so alone. I felt like I had no body. Until this day I can't fully trust anyone, and still feel alone at times.
                  My mom still bring this bitch up. I really don't care about this girl. I do feel like she deserves her ass whooped. And if she every comes up to me that exactly what that bitch will get. Me and My mother relationship will never ever be the same. Cause I know that I don't matter the way ever one else does to her. I will always love and respect her to a point. I feel like she never wants to see me happy. No matter who I am with he's never good enough. Then when its over its like she is in love with that person. I can never win this lady. And I have realized that this is my life. And I will never be happy if I keep trying to please her.
              After the whole cancer scare I thought that me and my mom were on a path to a health relationship. But then she made me realized that I just can't trust her. So she was upset about work. So she had a couple of beers. We were going to a concert at a local club. It was one of her favorite artist. So when we arrived at the club, we had bottle service. I knew my mom had to much so when the server came with the bottle I told her not to pour a lot in her cup. After her first drink I kept give her just cranberry. Then she had bought two shot. So I was getting frustrated. When we left the club, we decide to go and get something to eat. I figure she can eat then sleep it off. So we got our food, then she starts yelling. Telling my that woobie (my boyfriend) is a lier. So I asked her why does she think that? She said that he try to get with that bitch, the girl I was talking about earlier. I told her that he wasn't and we talked about it. So as we get to the house she still going on. So me and her friend sit down to eat. And she comes out of the room, running at me with a softball bat. I am looking at her like she is crazy. As she swings at me I grab the end of it and take it from her. So then I just grab some of my stuff so I can leave. Cause I know if I stay its going to get ugly. So as I am walking to the door, she grabs my hair and pulls it back. I was so freaking anger. I have never in my life had some one grab me like that. I had to remind myself that she was my mother. I am not that type of person to fight my mother. I will never be that type of person. At that moment I felt hurt, anger, and betrayed.
                  Me and my mother will never have that loving daughter mother relationship. I will never be able to fully trust my mother. I feel like when I am with her I have to watch my back. I have to watch what I say to her. I don't give her that much information about my life. It sucks and I wish that it didn't have to be this way but it is. Because of everything that happened with my mother, I don't have a lot of friends. I don't trust anyone. The only good thing that will come out of this is I will never treat my daughter like this. I love my daughter and never want her to feel the way I do. So I let her know that she is smart and beautiful. I want my daughter to know that she can always come to me and trust me. I will always be here for her.

"The Piglet Who Change Everything"

          
                   If someone told me that a little person that can talk, would change my life in so many ways. I would have said your crazy. I was 20 years old when I found out I was pregnant. I was young and living life. At that time I wanted to stay out late and party with my friend. Did I ever think that I could stop at the dime of a hat. Nope not me I was going to enjoy my freedom. But then I got really sick. I couldnt keep anything down. That when I went to the doctors and found out I was going to be a Mommy. Yes I was in shock. I was scared and afraid. I had no clue what I was going to do. But once I heard that heart beat, all my fears and worries went away. Cause in that moment I knew I was going to do everything I could for this baby. My whole Life style change, because of this little person that I haven't even met yet. Its so amazing how much you can love someone you haven't even seen. Its so crazy how connected you and that baby are. My little piglet was the best thing that has ever happen to me.

                     And as the years go by my heart gets bigger and bigger. She is my little princess and I want nothing but the best for her. I know that it may seem like being a mom is all fun and games. You get to dress you baby and do the baby's hair. You get to go shopping and buy them little outfits. But having a baby is hard work. No matter what time of the day its, your always on the clock. Even when they are at school, you could always get that call that they got hurt. Yea I know they look so cute when their babies. That cute little baby need diaper changes, breast or bottle feedings, baths, doctors appointments. You never know when your baby might catch a fever, and you have to rush them to emergency room. I know that I have had a lot of challenges over the past four years. But I have also had the best time of my life with that amazing little girl.

                 I would like to also thank everyone that has always been there for us. It does take a village to raise a child. And my village and support is My mother, always there when ever we need her. Always there to spoil her granddaughter. To Grandpa for always treating her like she the only kid in the world. For always stuffing her belly with food. Aunt Ronnie and Uncle David for always being there to show all the fun things in life. For always running her all over the place, so when its time for bed she is out. To Uncle William who never lets her off easy. The one who is always a hard ass at times. But shows her amazing things. To Great Grandma Karen for always teaching her something new. For always thinking about her education. To Tim and Karen for always taking her on little adventures. and always  allowing her to destroy your home. Thanks to Daddy. thanking for showing her what I got to experience with my dad. Thanks for letting her be daddy's little girl. Thank you to everyone for showing my little girl so much love. Thank you for showing her thing that I couldn't. Thank you for always being there for us. We love all of you guys with all our heart!

Are You Serious???

                      We all know this person. Its either a sibling, friend, cousin, or co-worker. Well the person I am talking about happens to be a cousin. He thinks he knows everything about everything in the world. I hate talking to him cause I know that I am going to either get a lecture or be corrected on the subject. I find him to be so annoying at time, wait no all the time. So he came over to the my apartment yesterday to hang out. We were watching the movie "Black Swan". So I say I that I couldn't be Anorexic or Bulimic cause I love food. I have a hard time sticking to my diet. So then he lets me know that only cheerleaders and ballerina do that. I am looking at him like are you serious. There are all kinds of women and girls who have these eating disorder. I am not going to get into that subject cause I dont know that much about it.
                  It really does piss me off, to have someone talk about something they don't know about. Just because a girl your date for a week was anorexic, and happen to be a cheerleader. That doesn't mean that every cheerleader is that way. And there is one thing that I hate the most is someone trying to tell me how to live my life. I feel like I don't tell you what to eat or how to dress so don't do it to me. So for the past month I have been on a diet, trying to get back in shape. I have a runway in May so I wanna look great. Right now I am a size 6, and I am trying to drop to a 2 or 3. I took a year off of modeling, and I guess off the gym too. So I went to work out with my cousin. So he starts telling what I should do to drop weight. Now if he was a trainer, fo sure I would listen. But he's not. So as he is telling me that I need to do more cardio. He is still on the bike machine paddling. Like really this 6'3 guy, paddling on the bike thing.
                  Not only is he my teacher, and personal trainer, he's my life coach. He actually try to give me advice on my relationship. I am sorry, but if you have never been in love before why are you giving advice? Like really come on now. If I was asking about how to sleep around or have a one night stand then you can give me your one night stand. This is the one time I told him something. Its one thing to give advice on working out, or on a subject. But please do not give me advice on one my relationship, if you never been in a real one. Two on raising my daughter, if you have no kids. You can say whatever he wants. But please back of my love life and motherhood. Lucky me I get to spent this Saturday with him at a charity golf tournament. Wish me luck!

                                                                   LOVE&PEACE

                                                                              Mandiee

"When it Comes to You My Heart Always Take Over"

                   When I was single last year, I thought about thinks more. When it came to meet new guys, I always used my head instead of my heart. That whole year my heart sat on the side line, while my mind got to shine. But now that your back in my life, my heart just takes over. I can't even think straight when I with you. I find myself getting lose in your eyes and smile. I just can't help myself when I am with you. When your around nothing else exist. Your all that I see.  
                 I use to think that I was just crazy. But I know now that I'm just crazy about you. The heart wants what it wants, and my heart has always wanted you. I know that some people may thing I am crazy for loving you. I know that the past six years that I have known you we have had are ups and downs. But no matter what happened I never stop loving you. Cause your the only person that gets me. You know all my craziness, my mood swings, and my problems. And you loved me for me. You were always the one who was never afraid to tell me no, or that I was wrong. That made me appreciate you so much more. 
                  I just hope that you see that I love you with my whole heart and soul. I hope that this time is different. My heart wants you and no one else, and hope that you can see that. I love you, but I won't let you walk all over me. So if you think that your going to use my love as weakness think again. Cause I think my heart and mind are finally on the right page this time. It time for you step up now. I have showed you my heart. Now the ball is in your court. So you can either play with me, or give me my ball back and walk away. 

                                                                             LOVE&PEACE

                                                                                     Mandiee

A Little Annoyed

               So after a year of being apart, we are back together. You would think that we would be trying to spend as much time together, seeing that he lives about 2 hours away now. Or we would be on the phone calling and texting each other. But nope not us. I only hear from him on Friday or Saturday and that's it, until the next weekend rolls around. I am not asking for him to drop everything. All I am simple asking for a text during the week. How about come and visiting instead of a 30 minute phone call on the weekend.
              I know that when I am annoyed with someone, I just simple distances myself. And I don't want that to happen here. I know that he is busy with work and all, but damn can I get some time. I know that I am busy during the week. I am raising my 4 year old daughter, working 40 hours a week, I play softball on Friday, and I workout every chance I get. But with all that I always find the time to send a text. I guessing cause I am busy too, its just annoying. Cause I know if I wasn't this busy I would be pissed off. 
               Well it is what it is. So I'm going to take my little girl to the zoo today. And have a fun day with my little piglet!


                                                                    LOVE&PEACE

                                                                               Mandiee

My Name is Mandiee...But She Calls Me "Mommy"

                 I never knew how much I could love this little person. But since the day the doctor told me I was pregnant, I loved her with all my heart. She is my world and as mother I will do everything to make sure she has everything. I was giving this beautiful girl as a gift from God. I will raise her to the best of my ability, teaching her right from wrong. Helping her become a smart beautiful woman. 
                  I still can't believe that I have a four year old daughter. Over the past four years has been a roller coaster. When she was born I was only 21 years old. I didn't know what to do. I knew the basic stuff like changing diapers, and bottle feeding. I had no clue on breast feeding, the different cries, after pain of c-section. But thanks to my mom for helping with all my question. And thanks to my baby girl for being a great sleeper.
                 Now that my little girl is older, nothing but crying and tantrums. With all the crying, creaming, and the your not my friend mommy there are great times. When those good times come around they wipe away all the bad days. The mommy I love you, just makes your heart melt. I love watching her sleep, cause nothing but silence and that little snore. I know that being a mother well be one of the best things I will ever do in life. It will also be my biggest challenge. Either way I love my daughter and I love being a mother!




                                                                                  LOVE&PEACE


                                                                                               Mandiee
        

"Hopeless Romantice"

             I am guilty of being in love with the "Idea of Love". I can't help it. Believe me I know that the whole fairytale thing is not real. But I feel like I still can believe in true love. As a little girl I wasn't read the princess fairytale happily ever after story. My parents were far from "Cinderella and Prince Charming". So growing up I wanted that. I wanted so much more than what my parents had. I knew all about bad relationship, I just wanted to see and feel what a good one was like. In high school I would day dream about getting married and having kids. I wanted it all you can say.
           I wanted my "Prince Charming",  my "Mr. Right". I had this idea in my head of what he should look and be like. I wanted this tall, 6 ft and above. He had to be light skin, with nice teeth and a beautiful smile. He had to have amazing eye, that could see into my soul. He had to be strong and smart. And no matter what he did wrong, he had to have the ability to always make me laugh and smile. He had to be open and loving. He had to be my rock and best friend. He had to be romantic and spontaneous. Now my ideal guy was so crazy that it could never happen right?
            Everyone knows that the first couple of months of a relationship is the "honeymoon stage". In the honeymoon stage everything is great. Your getting to know that person, going on dates. Your having a blast. Well I want that honeymoon stage to last for ever, is that wrong of me?



                                                                      LOVE&PEACE

                                                                                  Mandiee

The Ups and Downs

      Relationships comes with ups and downs. And over the past years I have learned that relationships last by the way you handle those downs. Every relationships has arguments, fights, and disagreements. Learning how to deal with those lows when they come, makes the bond in a relationship stronger. And also being with the right person, who always by your side. Relationship also takes trust, honesty, love, commitment, and most important communication. 

        I have been with my boyfriend for about six years now. And through all of the BS, the love and passion for each is always there. He is my best friend and no matter whats happens I know he has my back. And I will always have his. The ups are always amazing, but the downs is where I learn from my mistake to be a better girlfriend.

                                          LOVE&PEACE

                                                   Mandiee V

"Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder"

         I would like to speak a little on my relationship. So as I had mentioned in my intro that I have been in a relationship for about the past six years. What I didn't mention was on February 18, 2011 we break up, hint the off and on again part. Before we called it quits we fought about the past and our infidelity. I would like to say that we couldn't get over the past, but what I really mean is I couldn't let go of the past. As women (most women, not all) we tend to stick with the past. I wanted to know why, how, when, and how could you hurt me? During the time I found out about his infidelity, I try to get back at him. So yes I went out and cheated. Big mistake, cause I was not only hurting him but myself as well. So not only was I dealing with the pain of his infidelity, but the guilt of mine. The relationship wasn't the same anymore. There was more fighting about what happened in the past, then there was loving each other in the present. So I decide to call it quits. I knew in my heart that it would only get worst. So on February 18, 2011 that was the end of us.
           On that day I just felt this weight lifted off of me. There was no more thinking about what is he was doing, if he talking to another girl, or isf he was lying to me. So I spent this time finding myself. And in that time I realized that I had a big part in us not working. For one I lost myself in the relationship. I realized that I had put all my time and energy in to him. For two I let the past take control over my future. And three I was so blinded by my pain I didn't realized how hard he was trying to fix it. So my little advice to that is never lost yourself in a relationship. Go out and have fun like you did before he was there. Go out and have a "ME" day. Don't let go of your hobbies or activities just because you have a boyfriend now. Let him be apart of your world and not your whole world. It took me a year to realize what I was doing wrong.
            As you might know we are back together, hint the I'm in a relationship. Lol! Well on February 18, 2012 after a whole year has past we finally talked. We had lunch together and just caught up on each others lives. We both apologized to each other for the way we acted. I have to admit that seeing him felt like the first time I fell in love with him. That love and passion we had for each never went away. Looking at him made me realized how young and so stupid I was, but it also remind me how far I have come. Showed me how much I have grown up. I also seen how much he has grown up as well. I know that relationship takes two to make it work. And I know that we are both in it together until the end. No need to rush, we just take it one day at a time.
             That year apart made me appreciate what we have. That year opened my mind and heart. I truly believe that the heart does grow fonder in the absences of a loved one. A rose doesn't grow over night, and I didn't change over night. But I do know what I did wrong in the past. And I can and continue to learn from those mistakes. So if you are having problems in your relationship, take time to look at yourself cause nine times out of ten your the problem.






                                                                    LOVE&PEACE


                                                                               Mandiee

Introducing Me - Mandiee

Howdy Everyone!  


      My name is Mandiee. I am very new to the whole blog thing. So if everyone can bare with me. Let me give you a little info on me. I am Native American/ African American 25 years old young women. I have a beautiful daughter who I love with my whole heart and soul. I am currently in a relationship with a great guy. We have been together off and on for the past six years. I am a very family oriented person. I also love being active with sport such as Softball, Basketball, and Tennis. I am a very loving person that has a huge heart. I judge people on their action towards me and not on hear say. So I guess that pretty much it.
     Well here is why I started this blog. Well I usually the friend that everyone comes too. So when I need advice or someone to talk to, I get that blank stare. So I decide to start a blog. This way I can say what I need to say. I can vent my anger. I can talk about my relationship. I can vent about family problems. I figured by me writing about my happiness in being an old sister, the struggles of being an old sister, the good and bad in my relationship, how we make it work in our relationship, the ups and downs of being a mother and dealing with my mother, my exercise workout, my diet, my modeling, that some one out there a will take something from it. So why not. So I hope that you follow on my crazy life!




                                                                                         LOVE&PEACE
                                                                                                      
                                                                                                     Mandiee