"A Love/Hate Relationship"

                       My mother and I have a crazy relationship.  I would call it a love/hate relationship. At one minute I am the person she love to death. And then the next minute she wants to kill me. I love my mother to death. But sometimes it really hard to be around her. I know that my mom had a hard life growing up. The year after I was born my grandmother passed away. And about a year or two my great-grandmother passed away. My great-grandmother was the person who took care of my mother and her two brothers. My mom said that she was very hard on her. In 1994 my mother lost one of her brother. She took it really hard cause they were so close. A couple of months after that she lost her baby brother. My mom felt so only cause her family was gone. My mom was raising three kids on her own. My father was in our lives for a while. My father and my mother were together for about 16 years, off and on. My father wasn't very good to my mother. He cheated, he lied, and he but his hands on her. In many ways I hated my father, but I love him cause he was my father. Over the years my mom has manged to raise three kids and built a successful business. I have a lot of respect for my mother.
                      In December 2010 my mother found out that she had bone cancer. It was a surprise to every one in the family. It was a really hard time for my mother. Even though I was scared to death, I stay by her side. I went to almost every doctors appointment and kemo treatment. It was hard cause she was angry. And sometimes she took her anger out on me. And I took a lot of the lashing out. But in December 2011 she was cancer free. I was so happy, It was like a weight was lift off my chest.
                      I knew that no matter what I did I would always be the black sheep of the family. I have always been the one that she treated different. I remember when I was in high school my mom had decide to send my sister to boarding school in Hawaii. She told my sister that she doesn't want her to stay here and end up like me. Cause I was going to end up pregnant, and stuck in this town for the rest of my life. Well I didn't get pregnant in high school. I had my little girl when I was 21. I have always felt like I wasn't worth anything. I have been so put down by her that I start to believe that I was nothing. That I wasn't smart enough or never going in where in life.
                    In 2009 I had a friend that I was really close to. I told this girl everything. I let her into my family. We were always together. One day she told me that one of the guys was calling my mom a drunk. She is my mother and I don't want any one says thing like that about her. So I told my mom what she had told me. Two weeks later my mom wasn't even talking to me. She had her friend tell me that she didn't want to talk to me. I was so confused. I had no clue what was happening. So then her friend and the HR stay me down and told me that the girl I thought was my friend said that I was trying to get people fired. That I made up the whole thing. I couldn't believe what they were saying. So that night at the softball game the girl was there. So I went up to her, and guess what this bitch did? She hided behide my mother. And my mother sat there and protected this girl. My mother sat there and called me a lier and a bitch. She said that she didn't want anything to do with me. And that she wanted her car back, knowing that I need the car to get to work. And knowing that I have a baby. I just couldn't believe that she believed  this girl that she known for about a year or two, over her own daughter. When I tried to talk to my sister, she told me it was my fault. Then when I talk to my woobie(Boyfriend) he said he didn't want to get in the middle. The only person that would talk to me was my dad. No one wanted nothing to do with me cause they didn't want to make my mother mad. So at that point I felt so alone. I felt like I had no body. Until this day I can't fully trust anyone, and still feel alone at times.
                  My mom still bring this bitch up. I really don't care about this girl. I do feel like she deserves her ass whooped. And if she every comes up to me that exactly what that bitch will get. Me and My mother relationship will never ever be the same. Cause I know that I don't matter the way ever one else does to her. I will always love and respect her to a point. I feel like she never wants to see me happy. No matter who I am with he's never good enough. Then when its over its like she is in love with that person. I can never win this lady. And I have realized that this is my life. And I will never be happy if I keep trying to please her.
              After the whole cancer scare I thought that me and my mom were on a path to a health relationship. But then she made me realized that I just can't trust her. So she was upset about work. So she had a couple of beers. We were going to a concert at a local club. It was one of her favorite artist. So when we arrived at the club, we had bottle service. I knew my mom had to much so when the server came with the bottle I told her not to pour a lot in her cup. After her first drink I kept give her just cranberry. Then she had bought two shot. So I was getting frustrated. When we left the club, we decide to go and get something to eat. I figure she can eat then sleep it off. So we got our food, then she starts yelling. Telling my that woobie (my boyfriend) is a lier. So I asked her why does she think that? She said that he try to get with that bitch, the girl I was talking about earlier. I told her that he wasn't and we talked about it. So as we get to the house she still going on. So me and her friend sit down to eat. And she comes out of the room, running at me with a softball bat. I am looking at her like she is crazy. As she swings at me I grab the end of it and take it from her. So then I just grab some of my stuff so I can leave. Cause I know if I stay its going to get ugly. So as I am walking to the door, she grabs my hair and pulls it back. I was so freaking anger. I have never in my life had some one grab me like that. I had to remind myself that she was my mother. I am not that type of person to fight my mother. I will never be that type of person. At that moment I felt hurt, anger, and betrayed.
                  Me and my mother will never have that loving daughter mother relationship. I will never be able to fully trust my mother. I feel like when I am with her I have to watch my back. I have to watch what I say to her. I don't give her that much information about my life. It sucks and I wish that it didn't have to be this way but it is. Because of everything that happened with my mother, I don't have a lot of friends. I don't trust anyone. The only good thing that will come out of this is I will never treat my daughter like this. I love my daughter and never want her to feel the way I do. So I let her know that she is smart and beautiful. I want my daughter to know that she can always come to me and trust me. I will always be here for her.